Everybody always asks if you have a career, if you’re married, if you have children. Like if life was some kind of grocery list. No one ever asks us if we’re happy.
I am mentally tired from 6 hours of forced social interactions. i really could use a pickle for some pick-kill myself pun
i need you far more than i ever want you, it’s such an unnatural thing we do
i like working. it is a distraction but isn’t it a good kind? One that prove we can try to be good enough for a person. When all your life has been full of unworthiness and lack sense of purpose. Since ive come to realise my own being as a burden, there’s just this taunting thoughts that tells me the world is always going to keep spinning without me around. That’s why being used, and trampled over sounded tempting because for once, someone could have wanted me. Even if it was for what i did for them.
in the end, we just want to be proved of our worth
i am working rn and the number of rooms just keep increasing and my body is just like “What the fuck is my owner doing,” and i am too mentally disabled to care and my body is having a meltdown of its own.
I wish we talked a bit more back then. And i wish i wasn’t so fucking oblivious and stupid enough to avoid you. I guess too late is a thing. ‘Almost’ makes it hurts more than it should.
i never wanted you to understand. you know nothing about me. and even if you tried, there’s still more than just the tip of the iceberg which you claim you see everything. why is it so hard to just listen without offering advices which only works on a person who resembles you? i beg to differ our personality. you never knew how it felt to be suffocated by the air you breathe. You never felt a sting in your eyes because your heart hurts so much and your brain completely shuts down, not wanting to process anymore thoughts that will only do more harm than good. I hate it when you joke about being depressed when you’re just so down, it makes me feel like killing myself so i could show you what it truly felt to be depressed.
I am writing this to one person in particular. It has been 4 years of i don’t know, confusion of who you are to me and what am i to you. There’s a chance you doesn’t enjoy talking to me as much as you do back then. I am still caught up in our mess. I don’t even know what good that would bring but i just hoped, that one day we can finally see eye to eye again. What could have i done differently and do i even want that kind of endings?
It just breaks my heart when i see all of your sad tweets. Saying life means nothing and you want to die. Some may take it lightly but you hold a piece of my heart which i never intends to take it back. I am afraid that you’re going to be gone for real and all of the things i never said will haunt me forever. I wish i could say you’re not alone and i will lend a shoulder to gather all your burden even if it kills me. Although you’d get smart and say i am just trying to save another because i failed to save myself. So, what is wrong with that? Why can’t i give someone the security i can’t have?
I wanted to tell you everything but what good will it do now? after four fucking years? Am i seriously going to be that one girl who ruined your first love and give you the bitterness that you are not good enough? I had always thought you were so foolish to skip class or arrive late and gets into trouble. But your quirks attracts so many attention to yourself and before we realised it, everyone wants to talk to you because you’re the nice guy who do bad things and they call it, cool. Tf kind of twisted thoughts is that? Who am i kidding. I assumed we are no longer whatever we call that is. I finally lost that day. I lost to a girl much younger than me. If i meant something to you, i wish you could have explain things better. But you who i held dear to me, i don’t want to forget anything. because meeting you is anything but regretful.
I can write about love better than most who have experienced them